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101 Year Old Woman Announces Secret to Longevity: ‘Shove Pinecones into Your Rectum’

SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA – After over a century of healthy living, Celia Downs spoke to The Millennial Snowflake, in order to share her secret to longevity.

“Now, I know it sounds crazy, but you gotta take a pinecone, and shove it deep into your rear end. I first started doing this with acorns, but they didn’t work. As soon as I tried pinecones though, I never felt ill again,” Downs told The Millennial Snowflake, as she struggled to get comfortable in her chair.

“I don’t know where I got the idea,” Downs admitted. “I think it’s an old homeopathic remedy I read about in a book someplace, but it works. I do it twice a day, sometimes three times. It really just depends on my mood.”

“The hardest part is the social stigma. People look at you funny when you tell them stuff like this, but I don’t care at all. The problem with kids today is that they don’t want to get their hands dirty to get the things they want in life. They just don’t want to work hard, and put in the effort necessary for a long, healthy life. That’s fine with me. It’s just me, my twelve cats, and my pinecones,” Downs candidly remarked, as she sighed contentedly.

“I don’t recommend lubricating the pinecones. It makes the treatment less effective. Trust me; I’m an old lady, making unfounded claims in an interview with an obscure news outlet.”

For those who may find applying this remedy difficult, Downs has several instructional videos online. We recommend that you clear your browser history upon viewing them, or even wiping your hard drive clean.

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