Politics

White House Vampire, Stephen Miller, Defends Bloodsucking Immigration Policy

White House senior advisor for policy Stephen Miller crouches behind desk.

WASHINGTON D.C. – Stephen Miller, Senior Policy Advisor for the Trump Administration and notorious vampire, held a press conference in defense of proposed GOP legislation, which would allow Americans to suck up to two pints of immigrant blood each month.

“It is time that immigrants pull their weight and sacrifice something for this country. I’m so tired of standing idly by, as they drain the life out of hardworking citizens. This proposed legislation would provide forgotten Americans with the sustenance they need for survival. The bill would also organize visa applicants not by country of origin, but by blood type. This would ensure that creatures of the night have access to the nourishment they find most desirable,” Miller explained, as he shielded himself from the sun’s rays.

“Doesn’t this seem rather extreme? Immigrants are people, just like you and I,” protested a CNN correspondent, who seemed as alarmed by Miller’s words as by his long, sharp fangs.

“Extreme? I’ll tell you what’s ‘extreme.’ Do you know what it’s like to have to scour the streets, searching for sustenance? We invite immigrants into our homes. Allowing us Vampiric Americans to pursue our destiny is the least they can do. The average human being contains eight pints of blood. Granted, immigrants aren’t human, but they should at least contain five or six pints. Their small sacrifice will prove their loyalty to the nation, and contribute to our society,” Miller replied defensively, trying in vain to hide his Transylvanian dialect.

As part of the new legislation, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), have set up a tip line for Americans to call if they believe an immigrant is in violation of the law.

If you believe that an immigrant has not met their blood quota, please call ICE’s tip line, The Bodily Liquids Operation for Outlander Delinquents (BLOOD), at (866) 347-2423.

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