Politics

Israel Declares Wichita Capital of United States

Abbas and Netanyahu declare Wichita new U.S. capital.

Friday morning the President of the State of Palestine Mahmoud Abbas and the Prime Minister of Israel Benjamin Netanyahu recognized Wichita as the new capital of the United States.

Although tensions have ratcheted up since Trump declared Jerusalem the official capital of Israel, essentially ending any hope of a two-state solution, Abbas and Netanyahu were able to come to a peaceful agreement about declaring Wichita as the new U.S. capital.

“We just looked at the map, and thought to ourselves, ‘wow, Wichita is right in the middle of the U.S. — why isn’t it the capital when it’s totally already the heart of the states?” said Abbas. “Then, we got on wikipedia and learned that Koch Industries and Cargill, the two largest privately held companies in the U.S. both operate headquarters facilities in Wichita. It’s also a big deal in the aircraft manufacturing world,” said Abbas.

“Wichita is alleged to be the birthplace of the electric guitar and the fuzz box, so there’s that,” added Netanyahu. “Oh, and back in 2006, CNN/money and Money ranked Wichita 9th on a list of the top ten big cities in which to live.”

The unanimous decision from the opposing states has led to violence and civil unrest in Washington D.C. as many politicians fear they may have to move to the middle of Kansas.

“At the end of the day, we know we did the right thing. Wichita has always been the most important U.S. city” said Abbas. “This decision is about recognizing reality.”

 

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